MV DAILY

How Being a Swinger Changed Me

It's the best lifestyle choice I made!

Feb 11 20 comments 1,213

I've always been an incredibly sexual person from as far back as I can remember, but exploring my own sexuality is still something fairly new to me. In many ways, I've had to re-teach myself how to think and how to love both myself and others. Through being in an open relationship I have discovered some of the happiest moments in my life, both sexual and non-sexual. An open and honest relationship where no "dark secret fantasy" has to stay secret, meeting other like-minded couples that are the most wonderful and inspiring friends, a trust with my partner that is stronger than I have ever experienced before, self-love & confidence in myself, and many nights that would make Tommy Lee blush. 

It wasn't always orgies and fun though. At the delightful age of eighteen my high school boyfriend suggested a threesome to me and I just about lost my mind. I immediately was hurt, confused, and fueled with a million different questions. Why wasn't I good enough? What did those girls have that I didn't? It was agonizing trying to figure out these questions in my head when I should have simply asked, "Why?". "Why is this something you would like to explore?" (Which roughly translates to: "Why do you want a threesome when you can't keep up with my sexual appetite in the first place?") But here's the kicker, I wasn't even to be involved in the threesome. It was just for him and two girls (twins) in our grade to enjoy. What a brilliant idea! I, of course, suggested a trade-off of sorts. If he got to have his threesome then I got to select two men of my choice and have my own fun with them without him. That went over about as well as you'd expect it to go over to a jealousy-fueled hormone raging control freak. It didn't. He called me every name in the book and we parted ways quickly after. Good riddance! Mind you, at our high school graduation after party, and as a final send off to a horrible relationship, I gave his best friend a blowjob in the back of a party bus. So I guess I got to have my fun after all? College was uneventful as well and held its fair share of hilariously awful first dates and hookups. A lot of self-discovery came from all of that garbage luckily. Never in a million years did I know the thrill that was waiting for me.

My world was completely and totally turned upside down when I met my current boyfriend who introduced me to what you may call "an open relationship" but what we call "the lifestyle". And to some, they refer to us as the brilliantly groovy Austin Powers-esque 1960's moniker, "swingers". We do not practice polyamory (being in love with other partners) or polygamy (having multiple girlfriends/boyfriends/wives or husbands). Simply put... We just love sex. Sometimes sex can just be sex, just purely physical and nothing more and that is 100% okay. The lifestyle has changed my life in so many wonderfully positive and rewarding ways; from truly embracing my own sexuality to experiencing so many amazing moments with my partner together. It has been one adventure after another. It has helped me lead a more loving, embracing, and jealousy-free life.

Jealousy is nothing but a reflection of your own insecurities and in my eyes, the biggest turn-off. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I didn't feel a tinge of jealousy when we first got started, everybody does. But it is how you overcome it and how you deal with it that makes a world of difference. You have to train yourself to think differently than what you were taught and what society says is right and wrong in a relationship. Think about it. In a traditional monogamous relationship you are taught that if you are in a relationship with someone, you are to be with that one person forever and ever. By that same standard; if you love a certain food you should only eat that food for the rest of your life and you can't experience any other food ever. Even if a steak is your favorite meal, you can't tell me you would honestly be satisfied eating steak for the rest of your life? A silly example for sure but when you think of monogamy it is quite a silly practice. Because what, my friends, is the #1 cause of monogamous relationships/marriages to fail? Infidelity. The swinger lifestyle throws all of that out the window and allows you to be open and honest with your partner in all things and even if nothing physical happens. We know a lot of couples who are "monogom-ish" and simply enjoy the erotic energy that the lifestyle provides them. A girlfriend of mine confided in me that her and her husband like to go into bars separately and see who can get hit on/or picked up first. They do not physically act on anything but relive the scenarios together and it is a massive turn on for them. Some couples engage in "soft swap", kissing and oral sex, either with just girl on girl action or by swapping with a couple for play. 

And us? We love it all to put it simply. My biggest turn-ons are watching my boyfriend with another woman and having my boyfriend watch me be with another man. There is something so powerful in watching the person you love get to experience sexual pleasure from another and give sexual pleasure to another. I love it when I get to watch my boyfriend drive another woman crazy. I feel like a cheerleader for the best football team in the NFL. It is a feeling that I still haven't found the words to properly describe and always exciting no matter how many times it happens. Again, that is the beauty of the lifestyle. No one makes the rules for you, you and your partner set your own rules and boundaries. The freedom that the lifestyle allows you takes you and your partner's sex life up many levels too. Often times when we've had a great experience we relive it again and again through naughty stories we've experienced together. What's not to like about that? The gift that keeps on giving.

However, I must offer you some words of caution: Like all great things in life, sometimes disclaimers are necessary. Cheating can happen, does happen and some relationships cannot stand to be tested within an open relationship. We always say that if you are looking to "replace" or "fix something" in your relationship, the lifestyle probably isn't for you. Any cracks in the foundation will come crashing down the minute you start exploring if you are not ready for it. We've seen the ugly side of things, unfortunately - nasty fights, breakups, divorces, and heartbreak. I do not believe that the lifestyle should ever be used to replace something that the relationship is lacking but rather to add to an already solid foundation. Conversation is key to any successful relationship and vital to those looking to explore the lifestyle. Talk to your partner and tell them your likes, dislikes, fantasies, dirty little secrets and always remember, no one makes the rules but you. It's you and your partner against the world. 

The lifestyle has also given me something I never thought I was truly capable of, self-love. We are all human and we all have our own insecurities, that is a given. We look to social media and society all too often to define what is beautiful and what is not, instead of looking at our differences like the superpowers they are. In the lifestyle, you meet people from all different walks of life, shapes, sizes, colors. And there isn't an ounce of judgment. Everyone is bonded by embracing this lifestyle we chose to live and accepts others for enjoying it all the same. Remember at the beginning of this post when I told you the first time a threesome got brought up to me I started asking myself questions. Did you notice how they were all self-deprecating? I was comparing myself to other people because I wasn't confident in myself. It has taken years of being surrounded with love, by a partner who builds me up instead of trying to tear me down and motivates me to be my best self, and friends who embrace me truly for who I am. I've found that there is a foundation of people who see the best in you in the lifestyle, again, because of our similarities and open views on life. I've learned to admit that I may not be everyone's cup of tea, physically or personally, and that's okay! It doesn't and will never dull my or anyone else's shine. 

And in a roundabout way, I think that's how I ended up here. I never was confident in myself to expose myself to others when it came to my sexuality. But now, like most aspects of my life - I'm open. I'm open to exploring things that have always excited me, things that I have never tried, saying "yes" to things when I used to say "oh hell no", and open to loving myself, others and inspiring those around me to see the all of the amazing things this crazy world has to offer. 

If you have any questions, ask away. I love answering them & entertaining those who may be curious about the lifestyle. I challenge you all to love yourself and others a little more. Open your mind to all things and embrace yourself! 

xo Ashton 

On Valentine's Day I find it sad that more than one commenter here believes that 'monogamy is nearly unachievable'. Without wishing to sound judgmental or 'boring', monogamy is not about sex, it's about sharing one's life with one other person whom you love. If you can keep sex & love separate, fine, but without wishing to sound patronising, as you get older the sex part will not seem nearly as important as it is to you now. There's much joy to be had in a relationship with one person you care for beyond the limits of physical pleasure, which is all sex is when divorced from love. I'm sure you know that anyway but it doesn't hurt to remind people.

Hi dollydaydream! Thanks for taking the time to read my article and for your comment. I agree wholeheartedly, which is why I outlined the different types of relationships within the swinging lifestyle :) You're right, monogamy isn't just about sex - Just as swinging is not solely about sex. It is about the shared experiences you and your partner have together be it sexual or non-sexual. The open communication to air your fantasies or "dirty little secrets" with your partner and face no judgement whatsoever. For me personally, my partner and I practice emotional monogamy - And to me, a sexual experience with another partner has no emotional value whatsoever.

It really is just a physical act and I have taught myself that sometimes sex can just be sex. Again, the beauty of the lifestyle is the differences in what makes people tick and what people enjoy :) Everyone is different and that is what makes it so exciting! I do understand that it certainly isn't for everyone -I am just hoping that the article brings answers to people who have questions about the lifestyle but cannot talk about it. I hope you have a Happy Valentines Day and thanks again for reaching out<3 Best wishes!! xoxo

I can personally vouch emotional monogomy is what keeps me and my partner together.

great read! i agree %100 monogamy just doesn't make sense to me. me and my hubby are also in an open relationship im not sure if we are swingers yet cause we only done it with 1 couple, but we def wanna try more cause we loved it. our problem is that we are both way too shy lol

Hi Lissie!! Thanks for reading and I'm so happy you enjoyed the blog <3 Monogamy is quite a silly practice and it is fantastic that you and your husband have dipped your toes into exploring things together. There are a TON of couples who I know that are shy as well - I might suggest looking into lifestyle websites if you are wanting to meet people or going to an on premise sex club? Depending on where you are located there is normally 1 or 2 great clubs in every big city (The rest can be hit or miss; but no matter what - An adventure FOR SURE). Lifestyle websites are fun and break the ice prior to meeting with couples (Kasidie, LifeStyleLounge, SDC, & SLS are a few that are a good places to start) and sometimes even Tinder is a great place to meet couples and singles! Best wishes & Happy Valentines Day <3

ashton is right there is several websites we use SLS is a huge one and great because people can certify people for other couples and you get to know about them also gems is a great one as well

me and my fiance are in the lifestyle and we love it you are right communication is huge and trust if those aren't strong then you don't need to get involved in the lifestyle at all! and just like you it has helped me with self-love i still have some insecurities but no where near as much. being able to see my man pleasure another woman brings an indescribable feeling to me I love watching him and he loves watching me and get to learn so many things from other couples! I have to say swingers partied are my favorite your right no judgment we are all there for fun and a good time!

Exactly, Scarlettbty69! Thank you for your comment & thank you for taking time out of your day to read <3 I'm so happy you and your fiance embrace the lifestyle as well and it sounds like it has also been a very positive experience for you :) And  I hear you on the insecurities (No matter how hard we try sometimes that little voice still gets in the way) but that is just human nature I suppose.  What is most important is that you too have learned self-love from the lifestyle and it sounds like you guys have an amazing relationship in and out of the lifestyle <3 The trust and honesty that comes with having truly 100% open communication is what sets us apart from traditional monogamous relationships - We've solved the secrets of the universe LOL <3 Happy Valentines Day!!

lol yes we have.  meant to add to this yesterday but i was raised in a Christian home you do not stray away from the person you are with so i was scared at first so nervous and shy about it all but once you realize that there are so many other things out there and not one thing is absolutely the truth or right it opens you up to such great opportunities to be yourself we all have sexual desires and wants in life and if we never pursue those then are we truly living?

<3 Happy my bf is open like this too

Yes, TheSexygfMia! Truly is so wonderful to have a partner that you can share your naughty side with and truly be "partners in crime" - Happy Valentines Day! Thanks for reading <3

❤️

Thank you for reading <3

great article <3 thank you

Thank you gorgeous!! I'm so happy you took the time to read it & enjoyed it <3 Happy Valentines Day!!

Great article, actually with my partner we have in mind to try a day.
I love the way you see things<3<3

I'm so happy you liked the article & thanks for reading, HornyPeaches <3 I definitely recommend trying it out - Even if you don't play, I'm hopeful that you will still enjoy the sexually freeing environment & that you and your partner will have a great time!! It's all fun <3 Happy Valentines Day!!

The open lifestyle is something that has always fascinated me, probably in part to monogamy being nearly unachievable in society. I like that you mentioned how varied the "swinging" community is and that it really comes down to self confidence and personal boundaries. Love your perspective!

Thank you so much beautiful <3 And you're right - Monogamy is nearly unachievable. It is fascinating for sure that swinging is becoming much more prevalent in society and I'm truly hoping it will be the next sexual revolution of sorts so it's not looked down upon or so underground. The variation of what people are into (and talking with other couples) is so very interesting as well and it is a beautifully crazy community. I'm so glad you enjoyed the article! Happy Valentines Day <3

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