I've always been an incredibly sexual person from as far back as I can remember, but exploring my own sexuality is still something fairly new to me. In many ways, I've had to re-teach myself how to think and how to love both myself and others. Through being in an open relationship I have discovered some of the happiest moments in my life, both sexual and non-sexual. An open and honest relationship where no "dark secret fantasy" has to stay secret, meeting other like-minded couples that are the most wonderful and inspiring friends, a trust with my partner that is stronger than I have ever experienced before, self-love & confidence in myself, and many nights that would make Tommy Lee blush.
It wasn't always orgies and fun though. At the delightful age of eighteen my high school boyfriend suggested a threesome to me and I just about lost my mind. I immediately was hurt, confused, and fueled with a million different questions. Why wasn't I good enough? What did those girls have that I didn't? It was agonizing trying to figure out these questions in my head when I should have simply asked, "Why?". "Why is this something you would like to explore?" (Which roughly translates to: "Why do you want a threesome when you can't keep up with my sexual appetite in the first place?") But here's the kicker, I wasn't even to be involved in the threesome. It was just for him and two girls (twins) in our grade to enjoy. What a brilliant idea! I, of course, suggested a trade-off of sorts. If he got to have his threesome then I got to select two men of my choice and have my own fun with them without him. That went over about as well as you'd expect it to go over to a jealousy-fueled hormone raging control freak. It didn't. He called me every name in the book and we parted ways quickly after. Good riddance! Mind you, at our high school graduation after party, and as a final send off to a horrible relationship, I gave his best friend a blowjob in the back of a party bus. So I guess I got to have my fun after all? College was uneventful as well and held its fair share of hilariously awful first dates and hookups. A lot of self-discovery came from all of that garbage luckily. Never in a million years did I know the thrill that was waiting for me.
My world was completely and totally turned upside down when I met my current boyfriend who introduced me to what you may call "an open relationship" but what we call "the lifestyle". And to some, they refer to us as the brilliantly groovy Austin Powers-esque 1960's moniker, "swingers". We do not practice polyamory (being in love with other partners) or polygamy (having multiple girlfriends/boyfriends/wives or husbands). Simply put... We just love sex. Sometimes sex can just be sex, just purely physical and nothing more and that is 100% okay. The lifestyle has changed my life in so many wonderfully positive and rewarding ways; from truly embracing my own sexuality to experiencing so many amazing moments with my partner together. It has been one adventure after another. It has helped me lead a more loving, embracing, and jealousy-free life.
Jealousy is nothing but a reflection of your own insecurities and in my eyes, the biggest turn-off. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that I didn't feel a tinge of jealousy when we first got started, everybody does. But it is how you overcome it and how you deal with it that makes a world of difference. You have to train yourself to think differently than what you were taught and what society says is right and wrong in a relationship. Think about it. In a traditional monogamous relationship you are taught that if you are in a relationship with someone, you are to be with that one person forever and ever. By that same standard; if you love a certain food you should only eat that food for the rest of your life and you can't experience any other food ever. Even if a steak is your favorite meal, you can't tell me you would honestly be satisfied eating steak for the rest of your life? A silly example for sure but when you think of monogamy it is quite a silly practice. Because what, my friends, is the #1 cause of monogamous relationships/marriages to fail? Infidelity. The swinger lifestyle throws all of that out the window and allows you to be open and honest with your partner in all things and even if nothing physical happens. We know a lot of couples who are "monogom-ish" and simply enjoy the erotic energy that the lifestyle provides them. A girlfriend of mine confided in me that her and her husband like to go into bars separately and see who can get hit on/or picked up first. They do not physically act on anything but relive the scenarios together and it is a massive turn on for them. Some couples engage in "soft swap", kissing and oral sex, either with just girl on girl action or by swapping with a couple for play.
And us? We love it all to put it simply. My biggest turn-ons are watching my boyfriend with another woman and having my boyfriend watch me be with another man. There is something so powerful in watching the person you love get to experience sexual pleasure from another and give sexual pleasure to another. I love it when I get to watch my boyfriend drive another woman crazy. I feel like a cheerleader for the best football team in the NFL. It is a feeling that I still haven't found the words to properly describe and always exciting no matter how many times it happens. Again, that is the beauty of the lifestyle. No one makes the rules for you, you and your partner set your own rules and boundaries. The freedom that the lifestyle allows you takes you and your partner's sex life up many levels too. Often times when we've had a great experience we relive it again and again through naughty stories we've experienced together. What's not to like about that? The gift that keeps on giving.
However, I must offer you some words of caution: Like all great things in life, sometimes disclaimers are necessary. Cheating can happen, does happen and some relationships cannot stand to be tested within an open relationship. We always say that if you are looking to "replace" or "fix something" in your relationship, the lifestyle probably isn't for you. Any cracks in the foundation will come crashing down the minute you start exploring if you are not ready for it. We've seen the ugly side of things, unfortunately - nasty fights, breakups, divorces, and heartbreak. I do not believe that the lifestyle should ever be used to replace something that the relationship is lacking but rather to add to an already solid foundation. Conversation is key to any successful relationship and vital to those looking to explore the lifestyle. Talk to your partner and tell them your likes, dislikes, fantasies, dirty little secrets and always remember, no one makes the rules but you. It's you and your partner against the world.
The lifestyle has also given me something I never thought I was truly capable of, self-love. We are all human and we all have our own insecurities, that is a given. We look to social media and society all too often to define what is beautiful and what is not, instead of looking at our differences like the superpowers they are. In the lifestyle, you meet people from all different walks of life, shapes, sizes, colors. And there isn't an ounce of judgment. Everyone is bonded by embracing this lifestyle we chose to live and accepts others for enjoying it all the same. Remember at the beginning of this post when I told you the first time a threesome got brought up to me I started asking myself questions. Did you notice how they were all self-deprecating? I was comparing myself to other people because I wasn't confident in myself. It has taken years of being surrounded with love, by a partner who builds me up instead of trying to tear me down and motivates me to be my best self, and friends who embrace me truly for who I am. I've found that there is a foundation of people who see the best in you in the lifestyle, again, because of our similarities and open views on life. I've learned to admit that I may not be everyone's cup of tea, physically or personally, and that's okay! It doesn't and will never dull my or anyone else's shine.
And in a roundabout way, I think that's how I ended up here. I never was confident in myself to expose myself to others when it came to my sexuality. But now, like most aspects of my life - I'm open. I'm open to exploring things that have always excited me, things that I have never tried, saying "yes" to things when I used to say "oh hell no", and open to loving myself, others and inspiring those around me to see the all of the amazing things this crazy world has to offer.
If you have any questions, ask away. I love answering them & entertaining those who may be curious about the lifestyle. I challenge you all to love yourself and others a little more. Open your mind to all things and embrace yourself!