Your prom date shows up before you're ready to go, so I sit her down in the family room to chat. Naturally the subject turns to just how often I catch you playing with yourself. I go on and on, telling her how no room in the house is safe, how your hamper is basically a DNA storehouse, how you'll even sneak off in public to go yank it when the urge hits! Then, for some reason, she says that she just remembered that she, uh, can't go out tonight. Oops. Sorry about that, honey. At least you have your trusty gym sock!