Just like last year, I have fun, filthy plans for Valentine’s Day—and you have nothing. You’re going to be home, alone, with no one but your hand to keep you company. But you’ve a good boy, buying my clips and sending me tributes. So I’m taking pity on you and giving you a little gift. I’m going to tell you, in detail, what I have planned for my girlfriend and me this year, and you have my permission to spend your whole lonely Valentine’s Day jerking yourself silly over it.