Stop running in shopping centre looking for gifts. The best gift you can give your "loved ones" is your absence. They already had to put up with you most of their lives, they tried to guide you, raise you to be a man, but you had to turn into a fucking failure. They wish you could just disappear and they're sick of faking that they're happy you're there. Even your own m0m believes it's a chore to call you to see how you're doing, but she's a good woman, she still does it because that's what a m0m does. Give them a break of your existence for Christmas. They deserve it. Another night crying about your miserable self won't change anything for you, but it will mean the world for them. Stop ruining the fucking vibe.