Time and time again you've failed to control yourself. You just keep jerking off and then feeling guilty about it. But why feel ashamed? Because some god said it's a sin? That's bullshit. You can try being "pure" all you want but it's a waste of effort and ultimately, it's pointless. If there is a god, he doesn't care. More than likely there isn't one so you're holding yourself to an unrealistic standard for no reason. Say fuck it and give up on the whole thing. God doesn't matter in the slightest so worship me, stroke for me, and quit making decisions based on some imaginary figure.