Another dateless Valentine’s gone by and you’re still horny and alone loser. I know just how to treat you, and no matter how cruel I am, at least you’re not alone. Put your body into the literal L position and BETAPUMP, no matter how uncomfortable and stupid you look. You are a pathetic, dateless freak and that’s clearly not going to change. Here’s to another year of sticky humiliation and evil giggles making you so hard you can’t think.