"You're just a set of holes to be used."

Sexual objectification and degradation. There's a lot of conflicting beliefs and thought processes around this that I want to address, in both a play/sexual context as well as a broader social context. 

Wikipedia defines it as: "Sexual objectification is the act of treating a person as a mere object of sexual desire. Objectification more broadly means treating a person as a commodity or an object without regard to their personality or dignity."

As a BDSM concept, this covers anything from sexual slavery, sexual training, pet play, dollification, and consensual non-consent.

I've played with this in many of my scenes and vids—tying lovers and playmates in exposed, sexualized, and inescapable positions, calling Kristen a "defective sex robot" while fucking them over the kitchen bench in my Domestic Disciplinevid. One of my favorite terms of endearment is "my perfect set of holes." 

There's the argument that's thrown around by the opponents of sex work and critics of aspects of BDSM that sex work and BDSM are harmful and wrong because they perpetuate sexual objectification of people. I think the biggest problem with this is the inability to hold two seemingly incongruous thoughts at the same time—namely that you can sexually objectify someone but also hold in your mind the idea that they're a whole person, with a personality, hopes, dreams and valued aspects of their existence beyond a sexual object. 

Sexual objectification functions healthily as a F A N T A S Y that can be played out in a consensual framework. Let me say that again: it's a ROLE PLAY scenario, a hyper-focus on one aspect of your personality makeup. And like all role play/fantasy scenarios, it tends to work best when you can immerse yourself as deeply as possible within that role. But at the end of it, you are also still you, with all the other beautiful things that make you a person.

In a lot of the content we make and watch, in play scenes we engage in, in our interactions as sex workers is a consensual agreement to participate in a fantasy that you are a sexual object, "a set of holes or flesh to be used for gratification." Reduced to just feet, reduced to cunts, reduced to mouths, cocks, flesh, and desire. Why is this so hot, so fulfilling? Well, it's simple in one sense—stripped of the complexity and nuance of a balanced existence, you can let go of reality for a while and sink deep into sensation and lust, which is a wonderful state to be in. In the same way as being a submissive or slave is profoundly freeing by giving over your will and making existence feel like a simpler place, being objectified is wonderfully liberating in that similar sense.

Objectifying is also liberating from the other side, as you let go of the other aspects of existence, narrowing the focus down to sexual, and the fantasy of having someone on screen or in-person as a sexual object purely for the fulfillment of your lust is extremely erotic. In terms of dominance, hitting that flow, that sense of power over someone as an extension of your will and desires is intoxicating. 

It is a pure moment of desire, and feeling wanted, attractive, desired is extremely gratifying and a massive turn on. It can be played out from a dominant, submissive, or free from power games entirely as two sensual beings paying homage to their erotic selves. I quite enjoy sexual objectification from others in playful, sexual, and consensual contexts, it gives me a warm feeling of lust and desire, and yes, there is also that sense of validation.

Add to these varying degrees of consensual degradation, humiliation, this plays even deeper into activating other erotic centers, and well, to giving oneself over entirely into the role, which is freeing, and exhilarating. Paradoxically here, however, really taking the time to know the other person and what their makeup is, and aligning your expectations and consent to various things is what can really, really make it a powerful experience. This, in BDSM terms, is called negotiation and is also what is known as a "healthy relationship" (surprising, I know! *insert sarcasm). 

In Drilling for Diamond when I call Zoey Diamond "a stupid bimbo slut," tell her that she's not good enough for my cock and that she has to practice while gagging her with a massive black dildo or telling her to repeatedly cry out "I'm your worthless trashbag whore" as I hit them with crops—I'm objectifying them. But that intense scene of objectification and degradation was a result of extended negotiation. I found out their erotic blueprints through a lot of discussion around hard limits and what turned them on, and pleasantly surprised the fuck out of them by turning up in a drill sergeant uniform.

In the scene, I owned them, and we both let go and fully inhabited those roles. I was a sadistic drill sergeant getting my kicks with apparently no regard for the wellbeing of poor helpless Zoey, who is reduced to a quivering wreck and made to thank me for degrading and subjugating her. We're both acting out a fantasy which taken out of context would be a wild form of emotional and physical abuse, but outside of that, we're both whole people, who share mutual respect and I made sure that they were ok, hydrated, and checked in on them over the next few days. I in no way think that they're nothing but a "stupid bimbo slut," but that's part of their erotic blueprint, and it was hot for them, and hot for me to be able to play out some dark parts of myself in a nice defined container. I would not want to be nor aspire to be in real life, a sadistic asshole who laughs mockingly at someone as I degrade and reduce them. But that's the fantasy. 

Of course, all of this is only healthy if being a sexual object is not your only form of validation—external validations are all well and good, but building a healthy self-esteem by having internal methods of validation is incredibly important. If I haven't made it clear before, engaging in sexual objectification as part of a tapestry of your make up as a human being is fun, healthy, and really, really hot. 

We come back to the old (in feminine terms) Goddess/Mother vs. Whore dichotomy—and of being unable to conceive of being a sexual being who can give themselves over to utter depravity and perversion, who can then also be an excellent parent, carer, educator, scientist, student, etc. It seems in the eyes of the naysayers that if you enjoy sexual objectification, then you must be intellectually or emotionally deficit or corrupt. In the eyes of those who live in a morally black and white area, you can only be one or the other and this is what the problem is in so many sexual relationships that struggle with respect and consent. 

Again, if you are sexually objectifying someone, within defined boundaries such as your sexual time together, or in a play session, or in an erotic fantasy or vid in a consensual framework and treating them with respect as complex and whole human beings outside of this moment, this is a good thing. 

When I tell Kristen they're a "defective sex robot" and fuck them over a kitchen bench, at that moment that's what I'm thinking, that's what they're feeling, I'm objectifying them, and we are purely sexual, lusty beings engaging in fun immersive experiences together, honoring our lustful, sexual selves. I own a sex robot, and I'm using them for my gratification. They're a sex robot being used for my pleasure, and I'm hard as hell, and they're wet as fuck. When I call them "my perfect set of holes," we're both getting off on the concept and believing it in that moment—we're both reduced to an animalistic state which is erotic AF. 

This in no way negates the fact that they are an intelligent, cheeky, feisty creature whom I love deeply and devotedly or that I am a thoughtful, sensitive, and considerate person who values the wellbeing and complexity of my partner. But the two exist together. They seem like opposing concepts, but together they imbue our relationship and experiences with a richness that is greater than the sum of their parts. Do you see? 

The significant part of all this, again, is consent, as well as being able to hold the person with compassion and love. 

The dark side of all this, of course, is abuse and abusive relationships. There's the question around why people won't leave abusers, and one aspect of this is that the experience can be addictive—because it's so intense and authentic feeling, the emotions and beliefs are, of course, completely real. I've heard of D/s scenarios where the treatment was very much abusive, and while it can get you to some profound places, the price is by no means worth it. Taking the considered, compassionate, role play road needs a lot more mental gymnastics, high levels of communication, and new thought processes for some people, but believe me, it is the ONLY healthy way to get your needs fed in this way. 

If you're in an abusive relationship, please reach out and get support and help—this article and this section, in particular, is in no way glorifying nor condoning abuse—but examining how aspects of BDSM and consensual sexual objectification can be conflated and mistaken either maliciously or simply through a lack of knowledge and experience. 

Of course, it's not healthy to have a world view that all *insert gender/sex / etc.* are sexual objects—THAT'S reductionist and unhealthy. But to be able to enjoy a lustful existence and be able to slip in and out of and honor all the aspects of our life IS healthy and fun! One of the issues society has around this is the view that it perpetuates unhealthy stereotypes and attitudes to impressionable minds as well as the general population. Still, I argue that the issue is that we're not having open conversations about all the forms that sexuality and relationships can take, or the role of creative license in adult entertainment. 

I was raised to believe that you should treat everyone with respect, and that sexual objectification was wrong and reductionist of other people. It took a long while to come around, and it's been a process of being on both sides of the D/s slash. And it's been an incredible, delightful, perverse journey that I'm happy to say I've taken. 

So what are you waiting for, go out there and be the sexual object you've always wanted to be, or live out those fantasies. And remember CONSENT AND COMMUNICATION MAKES THINGS HOT AF. 

Sai Jaiden Lillith