You've jerked off at the idea and you've wanted to do it for such a long time. It is the ultimate blasphemous act to sell your soul! After all the times you have relapsed back to porn and repented, after all the shame and turmoil you have battled with - you accept that you're godless. You accept your sins and you're a blasphemous sinner. Take the final step. Exile your soul from your religion.